So, my aunt posted the following question on Facebook today and I want to respond to it, but I'm not stupid- the privacy of my own blog is probably a better place to respond with my non-Mormon opinions about things like "modesty."

I really need your advice. What do you say to your kids when they try to walk out the door in an inappropriate outfit? I teach a group of youth at my church and lately they have been coming to church in outfits that show off too much skin and I find it to be a distraction. Their dress is not appropriate for church but somehow they have managed to make it out the door past their parents in what they are wearing. I think the problem is these kids threaten their parents that they won't go where they want them to, church for example, if they have to change. I see parents feeling powerless and kids feeling too empowered. I haven't run into that struggle with my kids yet but I'd like to know what to say, kind-of get my tool bag ready for when the occasion arises. I don't want to have that same feeling of helplessness I see many parents have and I feel myself alot of the times.
Any advice? Maybe I can share it with other parents, too.

There are about 5 different issues to tackle within this single, long-winded question, but I really only want to tackle one: the issue of how to deal with modesty. I'm not a parent and I'm not a psychologist, but that doesn't stop me from having an opinion!!

First off, to be clear, let's narrow down the question. My aunt is not referring to boys in this article. This is a question regarding girls and the issue of "modesty" as it surrounds girls.

I think the answer lies in a few different steps:
1) Educate young girls on feminism and the role of sexism in the media, particularly fashion. Documentaries like "America the Beautiful" show the overwhelming burden placed on women and young girls to conform to expectations about beauty, including weight, clothing, skin color, products, brands, etc.
2) Talk about rape and slut shaming. This may seem to only marginally fit in with the concept of "modesty," but trust me, it's important. Women need to be educated on the hypocrisy of our society which both grossly over-sexualizes women and at the same time shames them for acting on their own sexuality. Young women need to be aware of the double standard. As one of my favorite feminists put it:

There’s a femininity tightrope that all public women are forced to walk.....Whenever a public woman fails to balance the following factors just right, the some dick jounces the rope, and splat she goes. To wit:

Public women should be X amount feminine, X amount motherly, X amount hot, X amount beautiful, X amount young, X amount confident, X amount helpless, X amount exotic, X amount educated, X amount intelligent (required: the last two values < always =" 0)."> ad dared to imagine that she would be judged on merit rather than her ability to do femininity right. -IBlamethePatriarchy

3) Self-esteem! Young women's self esteem is not solely within the control of the adults that surround them, but support from parental figures and other adult role models goes a long way. If young women are appreciated for their other talents, it's probably more likely that their looks and their sexuality will be simply a piece of their burgeoning identity, rather than the focus. Part of self-esteem means don't slut shame your own daughters. You'd think that would be innate, but it sure isn't.

4) Teach women the artistically expressive aspects of fashion. I don't have any experience in this, being about as fashion forward as a manatee, but I sure would have appreciated a role model

who could have given me tips and pointers on the aspects of fashion that are actually fun- like how to mix textures and colors and take risks and make a look that represents "you." In this way, fashion becomes something that women have more say in, more control over, more interest in, and it's less of the mindless drone willwearwhateveryoneelseiswearingbecauseIhavenomindofmyown. Mind you, this is likely to only be effective if 1) the role model rocks and 2) the girl has enough self-confidence to take risks.

Anyway, that's just my opinion. At the end of the day, girls are going to have to navigate this complex world by themselves and learn the hard lessons that every other woman has had to learn. It would be nice if they could do so with a bit of background and support.