tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26118571243959602942024-03-18T21:26:23.295-07:00BitchaliciousRebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.comBlogger97125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-38119391911977389422019-02-03T08:11:00.001-08:002019-02-03T08:11:43.367-08:00Some thoughts on loneliness From fall 2014-early winter 2017, I spent a large proportion my life alone. I was living in Virginia, far away from my friends and family. My commute to work was 90 minutes one way (on a good day). To cope with the brutality of my commute, I worked from home two days a week. My sweet partner had obligations that led to frequent, prolonged travel, which meant that for weeks at a time, my interactions with other human beings would be limited to the three days I spent in the office, and the interactions I had via phone and social media. It wasn't unusual for me to spend four or five days at a stretch without having any human interaction at all, outside of the phone. And while I tried to find friends in my area, via MeetUp and other social networks and even tried going to a Unitarian church, none of it ever stuck.<br />
<br />
As a result, I was chronically, deeply lonely. A kind of loneliness that can't really be understood, unless experienced. A grey, emptiness that shadowed everything. Even when things improved - when my partner returned, when my friends or family would come to visit - the pleasure and the nourishment from these interactions was undercut by an understanding that it would end, and I would again wake up in an empty house, in an empty neighborhood, hours away from anyone who knew or cared about me.<br />
<br />
If it sounds depressing, that's because it was. It's difficult to define what constitutes loneliness in order to study it - is it complete and total isolation? What if the isolation is by choice rather than by circumstance? These questions have been best studied among gerontologists, who examine the impact of isolation and loneliness on the elderly. The main takeaway from the large number of studies on this topic is that loneliness is akin to smoking, in terms of the severity of the health impacts it brings: <a href="https://www.aginglifecarejournal.org/health-effects-of-social-isolation-and-loneliness/">studies</a> have consistently found increased risk for cardiovascular disease, accident, stroke, inflammation, cognitive decline, depression, and (somewhat intuitively) suicide. Essentially, loneliness and isolation seems to act like a kind of chronic wasting disease - slowly chipping away at the heart, the brain, and the very cells of the body.<br />
<br />
It's not just an individual concern either. Salon published an article recently assessing the disease of loneliness that is plaguing America, and how these deficiencies in love, belonging, and community subsequently are undercutting our health, our neighborhoods, our cities, and our nations. It's a beautiful <a href="https://www.salon.com/2018/08/11/our-loneliness-epidemic-is-a-political-problem-too/">article</a> and I encourage everyone to take a read through it. Though there are many cultural and personal reasons for loneliness (a culture that values individualism, the development of technologies that reduce need for human interaction, the hectic, overscheduled life that many of us lead), the outputs are universally negative: increased suicide, disease, and drug and alcohol abuse. A disconnect from our neighborhoods and a reduction in empathy and understanding, which is reflected in the passage of public policies designed to support individuals, rather than communities.<br />
<br />
The answers to these challenges are seemingly in the reversal of their negative:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>to balance out rugged individualism with doses of communitarianism - promoting values that benefit the whole, rather than simply the part </li>
<li>to reduce utilization of technologies as a replacement for human interaction (whilst still relying on them to maintain connections where physical interaction isn't possible)</li>
<li>to reduce structured time and increase availability for connection (sort of a counterintuitive, honestly, when thinking about loneliness)</li>
<li>to purposefully connect with our neighbors and communities </li>
</ul>
<br />
However, to prescribe so simplistically seems to be part of the problem. If it were this simple, we'd all be doing it. It isn't. I want to go into depth with these concepts and discuss them more at length. I actually believe that loneliness is but a symptom of a host of underlying factors playing out in society right now. To make it less like a novel and more like a blog, I'll just do one concept per post. Also - I don't have all the answers and am still struggling with all of these pieces myself, so grains of non-prescriptive salt are strong. This is more for me than for you, dear reader (you two cute bots from Asia).<br />
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<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-1192292603425118522018-03-02T08:00:00.000-08:002018-03-02T08:00:57.345-08:00Winter editionI was in my twenties by the time I realized that I didn't have normal feelings toward winter. It took some time to recognize the pattern - that the onset of fall would fill me with feelings of doom and cosmic dread, that come January or February of each year, there would be a raw, jagged feeling of inevitable hopelessness that occurred, leading me to my most emo of selves. A feeling of mentally screaming toward spring, clawing my way out of winter as ferociously as the first spring flowers. It can feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails. I really thought that this was how everyone felt about winter.<br />
<br />
Turns out, most people don't find themselves enmeshed in the winter crusades each year. That, there are many people who actually look forward to the season, with its twinkling lights and skiing and hygge. It was a revelation to me, but also a challenge to try to transform myself into someone who could tolerate winter.<br />
<br />
I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's quite boring, as far as "disorders" go - it's very common in people who live in colder climates with longer winters. It's four times more common in women than in men.<br />
<br />
<b>Some things to understand about SAD: </b><br />
<br />
<b>It's not really about the cold. </b><br />
I always have to explain this to people, because most people think that SAD is about hating being cold and in the snow.<br />
<br />
Instead, SAD is about being solar powered. For most people, the low light of winter changes their circadian rhythm, that light-powered hormonal heartbeat of most living things, which influences (among other things) sleep, metabolism, digestion, body temperature, and brain function. The composer of this rhythm is something called the <span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: inherit;">suprachiasmatic nucleus (a bunch </span><span style="color: #262626;">of</span><span style="color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> nerve cells) which is </span>housed in<span style="font-family: inherit;"> the brain's hypothalamus. The SCN gets its signaling directly from the eyes. As the NIH so gracefully puts it, <span style="font-family: inherit;">"</span></span></span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: inherit;">Changing the light-dark cycles can speed up, slow down, or reset...circadian rhythms." With the onset of winter and less light entering the eyes, most people's circadian rhythm's take note and adapt accordingly. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="background-color: white;">While most people biologically respond to a change in light, people with SAD don't adequately adapt respond to this change. Aspects of maladaptation include dysregulated serotonin, vitamin D, and melatonin levels, which leads to those of us with this maladaptive function to pretty much feel awful during the winter months and then boop back up again to normalcy once the days are longer and more in synch with our own clocks. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b>But, it's kind of about the cold</b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><span style="background-color: white;">The issue with winter is that, things like low vitamin D levels can be easily rectified by exposure to sunshine. Evolutionarily, it's likely that the reason we don't generally obtain vitamin D through our diets is because we didn't need to - we got more than enough from just being outside. Similarly, </span>serotonin regulation is impacted, in part, by physical activity; when we had to move in order to live, even a reduction in movement didn't mean we weren't moving. </span><br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #262626;">Unfortunately, in winter, due to the cold, not only are we moving less, we're covered up more and less likely to be out of doors. So activities that naturally regulate vitamin D, serotonin and melatonin are suppressed.</span><br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #262626;"><b>There may be evolutionary reasons that we're this way</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #262626;">I should mention that there's still a lot of research to be done on SAD. In my opinion, it's likely that SAD is actually more of a categorical disorder than a singular disorder, similar to things like headaches - where you could have a migraine headache or a nutritional deficiency headache or a tension headache, which all get lumped under the category of "headache," despite having different etiologies. For some people, there appear to be genetic predispositions to SAD; for others, it may be more tied to things like nutritional deficiencies or sleep disorders or environmental factors, such as night shifts. </span><br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #262626;">There are some scientists who actually believe that SAD may be an evolutionary adaptation. The theory goes something like this: the symptoms of SAD - lethargy, increased craving for carbohydrates, increased social detachment, increased sleep requirements - all mimic conditions of pregnancy. Some researchers believe that SAD may be an evolutionary push toward conception- creating conditions that optimize conception and pregnancy during winter months, so that women give birth in spring, which increases survival odds for their offspring because of the increased availability of food. This could, in part, be the reason why SAD is so much more common in women than in men. </span><br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #262626;">I don't really know how to feel about this theory; nature is a cruel, cruel mistress when it comes to women, so it wouldn't surprise me. But more research is needed. And my guess is that even if this disorder has some evolutionary underpinnings, again, it may be a certain subset of a larger, broader disorder category which doesn't. And regardless, it still sucks when it's happening to you. </span><br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #262626;"><b>Some things I've tried that have helped (and some that haven't)</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #262626;"><b><br /></b></span>
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #262626;"><b>antidepressants</b> - I took antidepressants twice in my early twenties, before the diagnosis of SAD. They didn't really help me. This is likely because they take so long to kick in that, by the time I was miserable enough to ask for them (i.e., end of January), there were only 6-8 weeks left of winter. Which meant that they'd really only started to kick in by the time I started feeling better anyway and stopped taking them. </span><span style="color: #262626;">To be clear: I think people who take anti-depressants are doing exactly the right thing and if it works for you, I think you should do it. I personally didn't see a lot of benefit from them for something that is a short-term as SAD. The withdrawal issues associated with these medications are real and should not be understated. It's not something that you can pulse on and pulse off easily.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #262626;"><b>light box </b> - Light exposure has been clinically tested and found to be effective for many people. I sometimes do light exposure. I've found that having a light alarm clock (a clock that doubles as a light box and wakes you up by gradually getting lighter) has been SUPER helpful for me, because it's really easy to just lie in bed and check your phone while you're getting your daily light dose. I love my light alarm clock. It's a con though for people with partners who are sensitive sleepers because the gradual change in light over the course of an hour or 45 minutes might mean a light sleeping partner is getting up an hour earlier than they wanted to. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #262626;"><b>vitamin D supplements </b>- Some years I've found vitamin D supplements to be very helpful and others I haven't. In order for them to be most effective, you need to start supplementing additional vitamin D in the early fall or late summer and then you need to be consistent with it over the course of the winter. Vitamin D supplements themselves are often suspect because the FDA doesn't regulate them, which means you could essentially just be chugging placebo pills. There is differential evidence on whether supplementation of vitamin D works. However, it's unlikely to harm you (unless you take insane dosages), so it's not unworthy of a test go. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #262626;"><b>vacations to sunny places</b> - I know everyone rolls their eyes when I talk about vacations because I'm a travel person, so it can just seem like another excuse to get up and go, but I have personally seen an overall difference in my winters when I am able to get the heck out of Dodge and spend a few days soaking in the sun on a beach somewhere. This can be a costly approach to treatment, but it's also a good excuse to plan cool vacations during the winter. Drawbacks to this might include having partners who like the winter and want to use good winter time for things that winter-loving people enjoy, like skiing. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #262626;"><b>getting outside every single day</b> - this really, really works for me. I see drastic and dramatic differences in my SAD in weeks when I'm outside in winter - walking in it, hiking in it, skiing in it - and weeks when I'm shut indoors because I'm on a deadline or too busy to make that time for myself. This is probably the biggest thing for me, and yet it's much harder to do consistently than scheduling a fun vacation. Getting some good warm clothes and going outside probably has the biggest impact on me. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #262626;"><b>exercising</b> - serotonin is influenced by physical activity. If you can't get outside during the day (or even if you can), busting your butt and sweating it out a little bit really does help. For me, this is even HARDER than going outside, but it does really make a difference.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #262626;"> <b>st johns wort</b> - see antidepressants above. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #262626;"><b>vitamin B supplements - </b>have helped somewhat. Winter always seems to mean I'm taking a cocktail of supplements:</span><span style="color: #262626;"> magnesium, vitamin D, vitamin B, etc. Placebo effect? Maybe. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #262626;"><b>meditation</b> - I suck at meditation. I'm working on it, but I suck at consistency across the board in terms of everything. However, meditation has been found to improve serotonin levels (potentially because it reduces anxiety and stress, which sap you of serotonin in order to make cortisol) and I can say that in the few times where I've managed to consistently meditate during the winter, it has appeared to help. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #262626;"><b>therapy</b> - I find therapy extremely helpful for some things. For SAD, less so. With that being said, I haven't ever specifically gotten a therapist who specialized in SAD, so it's possible it could be very useful to someone else. Everyone can benefit from therapy for one reason or another - if SAD's a problem for you and you haven't tried therapy, it's one of the few ways that's been clinically proven to help. </span></li>
</ul>
<div>
<span style="color: #262626;">Of all of them, the things that have helped me the most have been 1) getting outside every day, 2) exercising, and 3) vacations, in that order. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #262626;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-40062222388630687452017-05-11T09:47:00.003-07:002017-05-11T09:47:28.453-07:00One ArtThe art of losing isn’t hard to master;<br />
so many things seem filled with the intent<br />
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.<br />
<br />
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster<br />
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.<br />
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.<br />
<br />
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:<br />
places, and names, and where it was you meant<br />
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.<br />
<br />
I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or<br />
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.<br />
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.<br />
<br />
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,<br />
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.<br />
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.<br />
<br />
—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture<br />
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident<br />
the art of losing’s not too hard to master<br />
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.<br />
<br />
-Elizabeth BishopRebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-50770652532652900312017-04-24T11:59:00.001-07:002019-03-27T14:53:34.513-07:00WhalesI read that whales jump<br />
to communicate.<br />
Supersonic claps<br />
made by 200 tons of<br />
bone and flesh<br />
smashing against the water<br />
again and again<br />
in an attempt<br />
to connect with those too far away<br />
to hear their calls.<br />
If I jump<br />
would you hear the clap crash<br />
of my heavy heart<br />
from so many miles?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-40258956558164731212016-09-12T08:28:00.000-07:002016-09-12T08:28:00.098-07:00I admire the courage of nature in autumn<br />
As plants slowly abandon their thrust toward<br />
an ever-distancing sun<br />
and softly retreat.<br />
It takes real guts to back down for a season.<br />
And trust that there will be another chance<br />
at the end of the long barrel of another winter.<br />
It takes courage, even if there isn't another choice.<br />
Even if plants can't actually <i>concede</i> anything<br />
being non-sentient<br />
as they are.<br />
Because they've evolved so many other defenses<br />
Against insects and herbivores,<br />
viruses, bacteria, us.<br />
Against these, they reach deep inside<br />
for poisons, for spiny shells, thigmonasty.<br />
But few protest the withdrawal of the sun.<br />
Even the intransigent pines and evergreens<br />
slow their heartbeats<br />
to survive the cold.<br />
Acceptance is overlooked, yet one of the<br />
most potent forms of bravery I know.<br />
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<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-12834517808099382642016-04-23T08:20:00.004-07:002016-04-23T08:20:40.210-07:00Revenge<div style="padding-left: 60px;">
<span style="font-size: 13pt;"><br /></span><span class="art_body"><br />At times ... I wish<br />I could meet in a duel<br />the man who killed my father<br />and razed our home,<br />expelling me<br />into<br />a narrow country.<br />And if he killed me,<br />I'd rest at last,<br />and if I were ready—<br />I would take my revenge!<br /><br />But if it came to light,<br />when my rival appeared,<br />that he had a mother<br />waiting for him,<br />or a father who'd put<br />his right hand over<br />the heart's place in his chest<br />whenever his son was late<br />even by just a quarter-hour<br />for a meeting they'd set—<br />then I would not kill him,<br />even if I could.<br /><br />Likewise ... I<br />would not murder him<br />if it were soon made clear<br />that he had a brother or sisters<br />who loved him and constantly longed to see him.<br />Or if he had a wife to greet him<br />and children who<br />couldn't bear his absence<br />and whom his gifts would thrill.<br />Or if he had<br />friends or companions,<br />neighbours he knew<br />or allies from prison<br />or a hospital room,<br />or classmates from his school ...<br />asking about him<br />and sending him regards.<br /><br />But if he turned<br />out to be on his own—<br />cut off like a branch from a tree—<br />without a mother or father,<br />with neither a brother nor sister,<br />wifeless, without a child,<br />and without kin or neighbours or friends,<br />colleagues or companions,<br />then I'd add not a thing to his pain<br />within that aloneness—<br />not the torment of death,<br />and not the sorrow of passing away.<br />Instead I'd be content<br />to ignore him when I passed him by<br />on the street—as I<br />convinced myself<br />that paying him no attention<br />in itself was a kind of revenge.<br /></span></div>
<div class="author" style="padding-left: 60px;">
<em><b>by Taha Muhammad Ali, </b></em><br /><em>translated by Peter Cole, Yahya Hijazi and Gabriel Levin</em></div>
<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-6652116896849955582016-04-23T08:10:00.000-07:002019-02-03T08:16:48.158-08:00For Robert, Forever Ago<br />
<br />
The good witch of the north<br />
Once found caverns<br />
In the deep hollows of her heart<br />
And there, a campsite:<br />
An old orange blanket and<br />
a California king mattress.<br />
And, since she was there,<br />
Lay down a moment<br />
to rest<br />
under the starless sky.<br />
<br />
<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-73140069269950511362016-03-31T14:36:00.000-07:002016-05-15T18:44:50.985-07:00Dreaming in PicturesIn some ways it was never anything more than dreams.<br />
Night vision<br />
Self talk<br />
Mirrors<br />
Other times, I swear I felt the brush of human skin across my back.<br />
Laughter seems more external than any sorrow<br />
I remember small contests, shared secrets.<br />
(Was our last caress against that red wall?)<br />
I dropped it casually, as if hundreds would inevitably follow.<br />
Then.<br />
Why the small box of leftover moments<br />
growing mold in my refrigerator?<br />
Too many questions, I know.<br />
I found your footprint in the desert a few weeks back<br />
and took a photograph to show you<br />
only to realize<br />
image was our greatest illusion.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-33197688950974983642016-01-15T19:39:00.002-08:002016-01-17T10:11:13.710-08:00These Parentheses<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oYKMCe3y-aQ/Vpm60bHDrYI/AAAAAAAAAXU/k_JLvxAh3Iw/s1600/parenthesis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oYKMCe3y-aQ/Vpm60bHDrYI/AAAAAAAAAXU/k_JLvxAh3Iw/s640/parenthesis.jpg" width="540" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(image: <a href="http://www.chrisbeards.com/cbsculpture/pages/parenthesis_cb.html">"Parenthesis"</a> by chris beards)</i></span></div>
<br />
<b style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">These Parentheses</b><br />
<b style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">It is an odd thing-</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Such close proximity, despite such</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">distance.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Like looking through a crystal ball at</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Smiles -but not the ones I remember-</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">though the lines of your face do look familiar.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I am like a child, not yet speaking</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">The world before me</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">(well, in pieces)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">yet I cannot understand.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">The why still remains</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">your greatest treasure</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">and so jealously guarded.</span><br />
<br style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">You keep it, love.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I am past the point of</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">longing for its rancorous rot</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">and shall simply remain</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">quietly</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">floating in the spaces between</span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center;">these parentheses.</span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: center;"><br /></span>Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-77077990252323171232015-12-11T14:04:00.001-08:002015-12-11T18:17:24.087-08:00Why I, a Flaming Liberal, Don't Think You Should Axe Your Facebook Friends Who Support Donald TrumpRecently, there's been a link circulating to a Huffington Post article that shows you how to search on your own Facebook page to identify which of your friends have "Liked" Donald Trump, presumptively so you can thereby go and unfriend them.<br />
<br />
It pains me to write anything even tangentially about Donald Trump, because more publicity just feeds the monster, but the response to this link has put a pretty large bee in my bonnet, so forgive me for all of the times I am about to type the word "Trump."<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="giphy-embed" frameborder="0" height="265" src="//giphy.com/embed/VCD63s5JpEgs8" width="480"></iframe><a href="http://giphy.com/gifs/the-good-bad-and-ugly-eli-wallach-sign-of-cross-VCD63s5JpEgs8">via GIPHY</a><br />
<br />
Anyway.<br />
<br />
Before I go any further, a small disclaimer: I absolutely DO think you should delete Facebook friends who make you feel endangered, targeted, unsafe, etc. Much of what Trump has been spewing lately has been hella racist, so if you find yourself the target of someone else's radicalization, by all means UNFRIEND AND BLOCK.<br />
<br />
What I'm referring to here is the decision to unfriend someone because they've "liked" a Donald Trump post or a Donald Trump page. I want to make a case for all those who are tempted to unfriend their Trump "liking" friends to reconsider.<br />
<br />
Some points:<br />
<br />
<b>Social media already ensconces us in bubbles of like-mindedness. And that's not a good thing. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Research has found that social media effectively squelches debates. Pew researchers studying the effect named it the <a href="http://www.pewinternet.org/2014/08/26/social-media-and-the-spiral-of-silence/">"spiral of silence"</a> - a phenomenon that occurs when people believe that their beliefs will be largely unpopular within their friends on social media and thus remain silent. This is negative for a plethora of reasons:<br />
<br />
- Being constantly surrounded by people who only agree with us makes us more entrenched in our views and less likely to consider other perspectives or viewpoints. This can lead to knowledge and creativity vacuums. Differences force us to move forward, to compromise, to change. This isn't just some hippy philosophy, this is proven <a href="http://www.spring.org.uk/2009/06/why-group-norms-kill-creativity.php">fact</a>. People who are different than we are make the world a better place. Differences should include not just people who have sexual, lifestyle, religious, racial differences - they should also include people who are politically different.<br />
<br />
- The power of like-mindedness is why terrifying groups of people like ISIS or the KKK tend to congregate geographically (and now in reddit groups and other online spaces), because having mutually reinforcing belief systems tends to radicalize people. And sure, you're probably not going to become the liberal version of ISIS if you delete a few Trump supporters from your Facebook friend list, but on principle, it's good to keep people in your life who will keep you on your toes.<br />
<br />
So you may not agree with your friends who like Trump, but having Trump supporters in your life and in your feed could potentially keep you more abreast of how other people are talking/thinking about world events. You don't have to agree (you can even Unfollow them!), but it's good to have people in your life who you'll butt heads with occasionally.<br />
<br />
Further, it's important to note that while you might not agree with their proposed answers to problems, the fact of the matter is, you're friends with people for other reasons than their political beliefs. Perhaps you share a history with them, or they're your family members, or they're coworkers, or college friends. Friendship isn't necessarily based on politics, but on shared interests. Interests like how difficult it can be to be a new mom, or how cool 18th Century Japanese paintings are, or how fun it is to play Call of Duty 4, or travel to new countries, or try new brunch places. Friendship often starts with shared interests and is consolidated by shared values. I would argue that even if you don't believe in the same politics, you probably believe in some of the same political values that Trump supporters believe in.<br />
<br />
<b>For example, in some ways, Trump supporters are consistent with the more universal American value of no-bullshit </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
There's been a lot of interest recently in who exactly Trump supporters are. Many left-leaning people are utterly baffled as to why anyone would have any interest in someone like Trump. When questioned as to why they support Trump, the main answer supporters give is<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #404040; font-family: "helmet" , "freesans" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 22px;"><i><a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-35047233">because he's a proven winner who is not beholden to the interests or influences of a political establishment that they feel has abandoned them.</a></i></span><br />
<br />
There's no question or need for a research study to tell us that most people are disillusioned with DC. Americans are tired of the stagnant, festering turd that is our Congressional body. They're tired of the bickering, tired of the partisanship, tired of the lack of meaningful reform in areas that would actually benefit their lives, like a bump to our long-stagnant wages, someone to sort out the appalling student loan crisis, improvements to infrastructure, etc. Americans want, and have really always wanted, someone who talks straight and doesn't put up with crap. This is, I would argue, a fundamental American value. We have always appreciated candor, up to and including the point of vulgarity. It's an American flaw - something we are frequently criticized for by other countries, but it is also a strength in certain circumstances. Trump supporters are people who want someone who will tell it to them straight; <i>so do Bernie Sanders supporters. </i><br />
<br />
It's easy for liberals to retort that Trump's rampant inaccuracies and outright lies would make anyone who believes that he's not a "bullshitter" just stupid or misinformed. But if you consider the amount of conjecture that surrounds nearly all political issues these days, is it any wonder that people have a hard time separating the truth from the lies? I have a freaking <b>degree</b> in political science and the issues aren't always clear to me either.<br />
<br />
Isn't it possible that we can agree on the fact that it would be great to have someone who is a straight talker in the Oval Office in 2016, even if we can't agree on who is talking straight? Trump supporters are so passionate for real talk that they're reaching out to support an outsider of politics (in fact, GOP supporters are reaching out for 3 non-political contenders, all of whom have done well in the polls). In many ways, they <i>are trying</i> to break the partisan, two-party system, ostensibly because they want REAL reform. Again, we don't need to agree on <i>what</i> that reform should look like in order to understand this perspective.<br />
<br />
<b>WWTD? Unfriending someone over because of their affiliation is something Trump would do</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Deleting friends who support Trump is similar to what Trump himself is advocating - to shut out people who are different, who disagree with him, who frighten him, who challenge him. Deleting people who are Trump supporters is actually the most Trump-like action you could take in these circumstances.<br />
<br />
Bottom line is, you can do whatever you want. Sometimes it can be exhausting to wade through the political firestorm that sometimes rages on Facebook. There are days when I'd like some way to preselect only friends who post photos of their cute babies, funny pet videos, and cool travel photos. But, despite having these days, I'm still not deleting anyone just because they liked a Donald Trump article. Ted Cruz however..... ;)<br />
<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-85493354905575419922015-09-19T19:55:00.000-07:002017-10-25T10:49:47.406-07:00Thoughts on unplanned pregnancy and standing with Planned Parenthood<br />
A few weeks ago, I was in a meeting in Uganda with healthcare providers, who were sharing their experiences with women who had died from complications of unsafe abortions. A nurse midwife spoke up. "I had a woman come to me last year asking me if I could help her have an abortion. I told her I do not believe in abortion and that she must go somewhere else for this thing. I turned her away. A few days later, her family brought her to me as she was dying. I could do nothing for her and I watched as she bled to death. I have never forgotten her."<br />
<br />
This story isn't a new one. This woman is one of many. <a href="http://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/topics/unsafe_abortion/article_unsafe_abortion.pdf">Every year,</a> ~70,000 women die from unsafe abortions worldwide and millions more suffer from debilitating complications. But this isn't a post about abortion. It's a post about unplanned pregnancy.<br />
<br />
I work as a sexual and reproductive health advisor for an international NGO. I spend big gobs of my time talking and thinking about contraception and how to help women have babies when they want them and not otherwise. I'm passionate about this.<br />
<br />
Because here's the thing about unwanted pregnancy: it is <i>always</i> a bad thing. Yes. I'm taking an unequivocal stance on this. Sure, I know you probably have a story about your friend's sister who got knocked up unexpectedly and it ended up dragging her off a ledge of drugs and violence and turning her into a better person. Or perhaps a cousin whose unwanted pregnancy with her husband ended up bringing them back from the brink of divorce. Or maybe it's you who had an unwanted pregnancy and you'd never go back and change your life because the turn it took as a result of your experience has formed a big chunk of who you are. I get that. Good things <i>can</i> come out of bad things. But first and foremost, it's a bad thing to be pregnant when you don't want to be.<br />
<br />
It's a bad thing because no matter what happens, no matter what you choose, the outcome isn't ideal. It isn't ideal to have an abortion. It isn't ideal to give up a child for adoption. It isn't ideal to raise a child you didn't want to have. It simply isn't. And because having a child, or giving it up for adoption, or having an abortion are all big, life-changing decisions, it means that no matter what you choose, your life will never be the same.<br />
<br />
A lot of people think that adoption is the ideal. Have an unwanted pregnancy? No problem - just give it to someone who wants it. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that there are more parents out there who want all these unwanted babies, I'd pay off my freaking student loans and live happily ever after on an island in the Bahamas. Having worked for an adoption agency, I can tell you first hand that adoption may seem glossy and beautiful, but that it is entrenched in the ugliness of poverty, privilege, racism, and capitalism in ways that you could never imagine.<br />
<br />
You look at adoption and you see babies and happy adoptive parents. I look at adoption and I see the broken, poor women left in the wake - most of whom are uneducated, impoverished, and full of mental health issues. I see women overwhelmed with their violent, hopeless backgrounds, trying to get by. I see the woman I worked with who had given up six children for adoption because her stepfather kept sexually abusing her and getting her pregnant, which she put up with so he wouldn't beat her mother. No one ever tried to help her - they looked forward to the babies (money) she would bring them when she'd come back to the agency with another pregnancy. I see the woman from Philly who we dropped off at the homeless shelter with her four and two-year old children, two short weeks after she'd given birth because she literally had nowhere else to go. I repeat: <i>we dropped her off at a homeless shelter with her two kids. </i>THAT is what adoption looks like to me. It looks like capitalizing on human tragedy.**<br />
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You look at keeping and you might see your cousin and her beautiful little girl, but I look at keeping and I see the three-year old girl with a huge chunk taken out of her face, the result of a smack across the face with a cubic zirconia ring on her mother's middle finger. I see a hugely pregnant woman dragging her saline drip across a hospital room in an attempt to beat the shit out of her little son who was bored and misbehaving. I see children growing up in poverty with mothers who, while they do love them, have absolutely no clue how to raise a healthy child because they are exhausted and overwhelmed and poor and, sometimes children themselves. Some <a href="http://www.brookings.edu/~/media/research/files/papers/2011/7/unintended-pregnancy-thomas-monea/07_unintended_pregnancy_thomas_monea.pdf">research</a>:<br />
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<span style="font-family: "arialmt";"><i>Children whose conception was
unintentional are also at greater risk than children who were conceived intentionally of experiencing
negative physical- and mental-health outcomes and are more likely to drop out of high school and
to engage in delinquent behavior during their teenage years. </i></span><br />
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Are my experiences simply the worst case scenarios? Probably not. The <a href="http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/FB-Unintended-Pregnancy-US.html">majority of unwanted pregnancies</a> are experienced by poor, minority women. How about some <a href="http://www.brookings.edu/~/media/research/files/papers/2011/7/unintended-pregnancy-thomas-monea/07_unintended_pregnancy_thomas_monea.pdf">research</a> to go with my personal anecdotes:<br />
<br />
<i style="font-family: ArialMT;">"women who experience unintended pregnancies have a higher incidence of mental-health problems, have less stable romantic relationships, experience higher rates of physical abuse"</i><br />
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I could only stomach the adoption job for a year and trust me, a year was enough. I will never forget what I saw there.<br />
<br />
I also worked for Planned Parenthood for a few years. I worked on a research study, looking at the efficacy of a new type of emergency contraception. I talked to women and their partners who came in to get the morning after pill. I listened to their stories. I gave them pills that prevented the thickening of their uterine walls, thereby preventing implantation of an egg. I watched the relief on their faces as they came back for follow-up and were declared "not pregnant." I saw a lot of the good work Planned Parenthood did first hand. I watched my coworkers call women back to tell them that they had cervical cancer. I watched them provide low-cost contraception to poor women and, if those women couldn't afford it, they'd provide it to them for free. I saw all types of women come in and out of the clinic, but all of them needed help and Planned Parenthood never turned anyone away.<br />
<br />
I also went to Planned Parenthood myself. I went when I didn't have health insurance and needed birth control. I went to Planned Parenthood to get Gardasil, the vaccination that prevents cervical cancer. I wanted it, but without health insurance, I couldn't afford it. Planned Parenthood helped me to get all three vaccinations for about $50. Planned Parenthood took care of me when I didn't have other options and they gave me some of the best medical care I've received.<br />
<br />
I watched the videos that were put out talking about fetal tissue donation, both edited and "unedited."<br />
I felt Dr. Nucatola's flippant way of talking about fetal tissue donation was awful, unprofessional, and tragic, though it is clear, even in the edited version of this video, how she's being manipulated and pushed by her "colleagues." <i>It doesn't impact in the least how I feel about Planned Parenthood. </i>I support fetal tissue donation unequivocally and I wasn't bothered that Planned Parenthood was providing this lifesaving service to research facilities. As a researcher, I know first-hand how important this type of tissue can be for medical advancement. If you have questions about this, I suggest doing <a href="http://www.hhs.gov/ohrp/policy/publiclaw103-43.htm.html">some</a> <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1011357/">research</a> into it. Or, for a beautiful story about it - <a href="http://www.radiolab.org/story/grays-donation/">here</a>.<br />
<br />
I support women's right to safe abortions.*** That doesn't mean that I think it's the right choice for every woman who has an unwanted pregnancy - that's each individual woman's prerogative to decide. I support their right to have abortions because I understand, probably better than most, that they <i>need</i> it as a choice and if they don't have it as a safe choice, they will choose it anyway and will suffer and die from their injuries. I also support women's right to put their children up for adoption and to keep their children. I support women who have unwanted pregnancies because they <i style="font-weight: bold;">need</i> support. I work very hard to try to make it so that they have access to contraception and emergency contraception all over the world. I also work to address underlying issues of gender inequality, violence, and sexism that prevent women from getting the choices and support they desperately need. I support women regardless because it's not my job to judge them for their lives or choices - it's my job to try to help them.<br />
<br />
I support Planned Parenthood because Planned Parenthood also supports women regardless of their lives or choices. I support them because they continue to stand up for poor women. They were a support when I needed them. And I'm confident that, wherever you stand on the issue of unwanted pregnancy, if you needed them, they'd support you too.<br />
<br />
<br />
**Note: that does not mean that I think ALL adoption is capitalizing on human tragedy - let's keep some sense of nuance here, people<br />
<br />
***Note: Planned Parenthood does NOT USE FEDERAL FUNDING for abortions. I want to point that out in the context of the bill that passed in the House to defund them. What are you defunding? You're defunding the cervical cancer screening, vaccinations, the STI testing and treatment, the low-cost or free contraception for poor women. You're defunding poor women - the very women who are at the greatest risk of having an unwanted pregnancy.<br />
<br />
<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-37051611873749527992015-06-18T08:32:00.002-07:002015-06-18T08:33:50.192-07:00Adulthood - a listSome things I think are associated with growing up, in no particular order:<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Self-knowledge and subsequently, self-kindness</li>
<li>Willingness to transcend the propensity toward black and white and live in the space between</li>
<li>Accepting losses</li>
<li>Accepting what is (which is often the same thing as losses)</li>
<li>A willingness to stare into the meaningless of existence without reaching for distraction</li>
<li>Appreciation of little things</li>
<li>Ability to tolerate boredom</li>
<li>Openness to being wrong - or to being only partially right</li>
<li>Not knowing</li>
<li>Accepting a lack of closure - of <i>never</i> knowing</li>
<li>Willingness to make decisions and accept the consequences</li>
<li>Showing up</li>
<li>Making basic human decency - giving up seats to old people, being kind to mothers with screaming children on airplanes, holding doors, saying thank you to customer service - the default mode</li>
<li>The ability to give time-outs to oneself, think before speaking, and not saying all the potentially terrible things one could whilst in the heat of the moment</li>
<li>Delayed gratification</li>
<li>Willingness to go it alone, if no one else is headed that direction</li>
</ul>
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-92138343229693136692015-02-04T13:39:00.001-08:002016-01-17T10:13:37.098-08:00Moving through space and time<div>
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As a pitfall of working with data, I sometimes have to slog through large quantities of recoding variables or fixing little pithy aspects of a dataset that are incredibly time-consuming, but necessary in order to complete analysis. The repetitive cycle of delete, return, enter, scan, copy, paste is mind-numbingly tedious; I find my only small consolation is the ability to zone into some music while I code. I can't listen to anything with content because I stop paying attention to details and make mistakes in the data, but a good long set of music makes this type of work bearable. I can't usually listen to anything when I'm doing regular analysis- my brain needs all the bandwidth to focus on the task at hand. So sometimes coding is a lovely break. </div>
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Anyway, that's a tangent. Today, I have been recoding a hideous dataset requiring many, many hours of sloggery. I turned on Pandora to the First Aid Kit station and a Brandi Carlile's "Have You Ever" came on. It was sort of a shock to my system to realize two things: 1) I had a Brandi Carlile phase of my life - a phase marked by many images of the first Sugarhouse place, of mountains, of travel and falling in love, of ocean escapes and less-than-well-concealed pain and bonfires and that first new summer after so much had changed, and 2) that it is over. Sometimes you don't really realize you're in a specific place until you leave it. </div>
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And then, oddly, right after Brandi finished her song, Bon Iver came on playing "Skinny Love." After Mikee died, I couldn't bear to listen to that song for several years - it was almost a physically painful experience to remember his sweetness to me. It was Mikee at his best and the song is a tour de force of remembrance of how much he meant to me. Today, I listened to it and felt no pain - just a strong appreciation for the fact that I have something that so viscerally connects me to someone I love. Another phase of life long gone, but this time, without any residual nostalgia or pain. </div>
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Time is like a steady drip of water on stone. What once seems so solid will eventually wear away to reveal new shapes - a changed view of events and life and a deeper appreciation for all the seasons of this crazy journey. </div>
Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-19890070707066693572013-11-21T21:01:00.003-08:002013-11-21T21:01:58.714-08:00<i>April 13, 2008</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b>This</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
You fell asleep with your face buried in my neck<br />
breathing humid drops of air<br />
curling the little hairs near my ear<br />
holding my hand<br />
Uma Thurman exacting her revenge<br />
on the blue screen<br />
with a samarai-<br />
neither of us caring or<br />
wanting anything else<br />
but a few peaceful hours<br />
of simply this.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-30054693478691085132013-11-03T21:26:00.000-08:002013-11-03T21:26:05.169-08:00BonsaiThere's a corner of my building -<br />
near my door-<br />
where people abandon their plants.<br />
yellowed, crunchy lost causes,<br />
thrust into sunny ubasute.<br />
out of sight.<br />
out of mind.<br />
I, too, have abandoned many things I<br />
once loved<br />
for their own good<br />
for a better life<br />
I tell myself.<br />
But yesterday, I took a little wizened bonsai<br />
from the corner and<br />
watered its tired, desiccated bones and<br />
put it in my windowsill<br />
a testament to second chances. Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-51875887548269650882013-09-12T10:10:00.002-07:002013-09-12T10:10:30.155-07:00A Lack of Access InwardlyI am Jack's barely contained<br />
fury<br />
red-rumming<br />
typing furiously<br />
rushing against the cynical tide<br />
only to find<br />
all work and <br />
no play<br />
a dullness, <br />
a calm before the storm.Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-75059615522423891682013-01-14T22:14:00.002-08:002013-01-14T22:17:27.236-08:004 Minute WarningI've been thinking a lot lately about the difference between quitting and walking away. You know what I mean. We all do. There are times when we give up on something because it is too hard, because we're lazy, because we're not willing to go the extra mile, because we're too afraid to push through it, because we don't want to risk failure- there are a thousand reasons to quit something. I once quit a job because I wanted to stay at my friend James's house and play Risk all night. Quitting is something you do because, for one reason or another, you don't have the capacity (skillset, maturity, tenacity, etc) to see something through. <br />
<br />
Walking away though, is a different concept entirely. Walking away is something you do for yourself because staying is bad for you. Not difficult, not challenging, not something you can tell yourself to just push through, but something that is harmful to you. You usually walk away from something you don't want to leave. You can quit something for a thousand reasons, but you walk away from something when you love yourself more than you love whatever you are leaving. It could be anything, but usually its a job, a person, a relationship, a dream- something you've devoted a significant amount of time and energy to. Nobody taught me how to walk away as a child. I think it might be one of those lessons you learn through trial and error, though sometimes I wish I'd been a faster learner.<br />
<br />
How do you know when it's time to walk away? I think it's pretty situation-specific, but there seem to be a few common denominators. In my experience, they look like the following:<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Feeling exhausted. This feeling is pervasive—it's not some bad-day/bad-week/bad-month feeling—it seems to never go away. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Feeling like, no matter how hard you try, you can never make any progress, despite working harder than you've ever worked before. In fact, it may seem like the harder you work, the worse it seems to get. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Feeling afraid. Not the type of worry you feel about passing a class or getting a promotion you've worked for, but actually feeling yourself contract in some sense. This may also manifest itself as a constant and relentless stress. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Being unable to live in the present moment, either because it's too miserable or because you're so focused on a future when things will be better, you're trying to forget today exists. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Finding yourself chronically sacrificing your health for XYZ. This could be not sleeping, not eating good foods (or not eating much of anything because you don't have time), not moving enough (because you're too tired, or you're tied to your computer), not taking time for mental health. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Feeling confused. On some level, you just feel confused as to why something you care about so much is so bad. There seems to be no connection between what you think it "should" be and what it is, which creates a feeling of confusion. </li>
</ul>
<div>
When you get to this place, it's good to realize that walking away usually involves some sort of loss, but that the loss that you think you will experience has probably already occurred; you just haven't acknowledged it. Walking away involves turning inward and trusting your own feelings. Part of you will want to stay just a little bit longer, to work just a little bit harder, to try a different approach, to... Unfortunately, doing so is usually dangerous. The signs above are warning signs- they are indicative that something is wrong. Problems resulting in these types of feelings are most likely in the process of coming to a head; to stay can often place you directly in the explosion. Or, oppositely, it can cause you to compromise and contort yourself, causing some sort of slow inner death. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The decision to walk away feels right. It doesn't always feel good and it doesn't always make sense (because maybe you don't have a backup plan), but it should feel solid. Usually it takes some courage. Sometimes it may not be accompanied by a next step. I think this can sometimes be simply due to the fact that, until you let one thing go, you don't have space or capacity to see something else. </div>
<div>
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<div>
There's a pretty awesome episode of This American Life called "Self-Improvement." The first story is about a guy who decides to walk away. I thought I'd include it just for kicks. </div>
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-44448832612082600212012-12-28T14:52:00.003-08:002012-12-28T14:52:56.234-08:00Poem of the day<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 13pt;">Personal</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"><em>Don’t take it personal</em>, they said;
</span>
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> but I did, I took it all quite personal—<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;">the breeze and the river and the color of the fields;</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> the price of grapefruit and stamps,<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> the wet hair of women in the rain—</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;">And I cursed what hurt me<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> and I praised what gave me joy,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> the most simple-minded of possible responses.<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> The government reminded me of my father,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> with its deafness and its laws,<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> and the weather reminded me of my mom,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> with her tropical squalls.<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"><em>Enjoy it while you can</em>, they said of Happiness</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"><em>Think first</em>, they said of Talk<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"><em>Get over it</em>, they said</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> at the School of Broken Hearts<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> but I couldn’t and I didn’t and I don’t</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> believe in the clean break;<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> I believe in the compound fracture</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> served with a sauce of dirty regret,<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> I believe in saying it all</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> and taking it all back<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> and saying it again for good measure</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> while the air fills up with <em>I’m-Sorries<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></em></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> like wheeling birds</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> and the trees look seasick in the wind.<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> Oh life! Can you blame me</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> for making a scene?<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> You were that yellow caboose, the moon</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> disappearing over a ridge of cloud.<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> I was the dog, chained in some fool’s backyard;</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> barking and barking:<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> trying to convince everything else</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times; font-size: 11pt;"> to take it personal too.<br /><span style="color: white;">.</span></span><br /><span style="color: white; font-family: times new roman,times;">.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: times new roman,times;"><em>by Tony Hoagland</em></span>Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-56126776257830695542012-11-03T21:08:00.001-07:002012-11-03T21:08:58.491-07:00Another electionThe election is coming up on Tuesday and I wanted to weigh in on some thoughts I've had. <br />
<br />
After Obama got elected in 2008, I sort of fell asleep on politics. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I have had my fair share of grandstanding these last four years- gay marriage, the death of Osama bin Laden, the arrest, prosecution and imprisonment of Tim DeChristopher, some of the more ridiculous (and terrifying) state attempts to ban abortion, the racism of pretty much EVERY law Arizona has passed in the past few years, etc. But these awarenesses are mainstream- a passive receipt of knowledge with maybe a little action, repressed frustration, and the occasional blowup of emotion when the stupidity gets to be too much. My reactions are tepid, fleeting, and shallow.<br />
<br />
Partly this may be due to disillusionment in general with the populace. I think that happens as you get older and see more of the world. It may also be due to the fact that I've been busy with school and work and have been traveling more and seemingly have less time for everything that I used to hold on to. Mostly though, I think it's because, as a liberal, I did exactly the opposite of what I advocated in 2008: I assumed that Obama would do the right thing.<br />
<br />
Here's what I said in 2008:<br />
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<i>The problem is that, by declaring him [Obama] savior, we are essentially condoning this compromise for the long-term. We expect him to save us from ourselves, not acknowledging that we are creating a monster as he strives to attain that position. A mere man cannot be president. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Barack</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Obama</span> would never be president of the United States. He has to become an aggregate of the masses (the companies, the individuals, the 'demographics') in order to reach that spot and by the time he does it, he will have acquired all our worst characteristics in the process.</i></div>
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<i>We can't give him a green light because without our voices, he will fail. Without our protests and our criticisms and our caution and our policing, he will become just another politician who got to the white house and proceeded to do a little good and a lot of harm. We can't go starry eyed on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Obama</span> because he needs us to save him from what he is becoming for our sakes.</i></div>
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<i>He will disappoint. They all do. But, while he still has the capacity to listen (and I believe he does), it's important that we continue to remind him why we are voting for him, and why he has to reach a little farther and become a man again, in the most difficult job in the world.</i></div>
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Shit. I hate when I don't take my own advice. And fail he has, in so many ways. Illegal wiretapping that outshines even the Bush era, more "inherent" presidential powers, the junking of habeas corpus, acceleration to the slow death of labor unions, inequality, a bank bailout that fucked homeowners by trillions of dollars, and an increase in the gap between the extreme rich and the rest of the country. When he did right, (healthcare reform, getting out of Iraq, Sandy, overturning Don't Ask Don't Tell) we slumped even further into liberal stupor. Only the conservatives, injected with high doses of down-home morality, were pitching fits about Obama, and their arguments, tinged with racism and anti-intellectualism, have never held my interest. </div>
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We, as citizens, did not hold up our end of the bargain. I feel relatively confident that Obama is going to win a second term, despite the fact that it's been called a close race. It has always seemed unlikely that Romney will win. The Republican party is split, Mitt Romney is a tough sell outside the Mormon camps, and it's always difficult to oust an incumbent president. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. In fact, I fervently hope I am not wrong, because despite legitimate anger at the Obama administration, nothing has convinced me that a Romney presidency would be any better for the vulnerable populations on whom the election always makes the biggest difference: the poor. </div>
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If the healthcare law is repealed as Romney has stated is his first priority, it reads as a billions of dollars setback to our country. If more cuts are made to social programs, as Romney has promised, the people who need these services will be directly affected, even though the rest of us might financially benefit in the short-term. I don't expect to see a renegotiation of NAFTA, a rise in minimum wage, greater support of labor unions, respecting the powers of habeas corpus, limiting presidential oversight, or any of the things that are lacking in the current Obama administration. The difference is that, with Obama, he promised those things to me (in 2008 and in 2012) and I could potentially hold him accountable; Romney doesn't feel those things should be enacted in the first place. So yes, I damn well hope Obama wins. I also hope that Democrats retain the Senate and add more members to the House. And, it would be great if those people stopped bickering and actually got to work. Enough with the moralizing, enough with the finger pointing, enough with the outrage- please, please, please, just do your damn jobs. This sort of wish-making always reminds me of THIS:</div>
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However, I find myself cringing at the idea of voting for the "lesser of two evils." I mean, I did that with John Kerry back in 2004- I didn't believe he was all that amazing, but I didn't care just as long as he wasn't George W. But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth; Obama didn't do the things he said he would do. That's partly my fault, partly all of our faults, and partly his fault. If he wins this next go around, I promise I'll give a shit about how things play out and at least make some noise about them. If he doesn't win, I'll probably be yelling regardless because there will be infinitely more issues. But does he really deserve my vote? I don't think he does. </div>
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So now, staring into the void of another ballot casting, I wonder if it's time to try a different approach. Utah's has 6 electoral votes and this year, they're definitely going to Mitt Romney. If I were in a state where my vote actually mattered as to who becomes president, I would begrudgingly do my civic duty and vote for Obama. But my vote doesn't make a bit of difference in who becomes president. So perhaps, I can use that vote to voice a hope. A hope that someday America will break the iron fist of a two-party system and people like myself won't have to be compelled to support the lesser of two evils. I think this year, I'm voting for Jill Stein. I like her. I think she's got character and values that represent my interests. <br />
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And Obama? I'll be praying you win and gearing up for four years of givingashit this time around. </div>
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Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-64821731898497753102012-08-06T13:28:00.003-07:002012-08-06T13:28:31.118-07:00Roots<br />
It's the middle of the day, Monday. I've got comments from co-authors to incorporate, analysis plans to generate, and the GRE to study for. I don't have time to write (or rather, I don't have time to write anything unrelated to what the folks are paying me for). But, when you have to write, you have to write and all the world has to sit down and shut the fuck up for a minute until the words clear your head. Then all other noise can resume.<br />
<br />
DeAndre McCullough died of a drug overdose a day or two ago. Mr. McCullough is really only known to me in fiction, through the HBO mini-series The Corner, which was based on his story, and through his in-person portrayal of Lamar, on The Wire. I read David Simon's personal obit for him, and also the obituary (largely borrowed from David Simon's) posted in the Baltimore Sun. <br />
<br />
<i>"If I close my eyes, the fifteen year old comes to me. His laughter,
his wit, his foolishness and ridiculous rationalization mixed in equal
measure with his goodness and honesty. I can forgive the addict who came
to dominate that young life. I can let go of all the frustration and
exhaustion that came with twenty years of faithlessness and hurt. I see,
in the end, a man who was in great, unending pain. And I want him to
rest now.<br /></i><br />
<i>In spite of everything, I will miss him badly. I know because I’ve
been here before. With Dinky. And Curt. And Ella. And Gary — especially
Gary McCullough, the wounded father who in some awful way was a
pathfinder for his wounded son. When you tell yourself you are going to
write a story about real people, you say so in the abstract, without
any real sense of the beings you haven’t yet met, without any measure of
the real cost of addressing actual human realities.<br /></i><br />
<i>Well then, amid all of the easy labels and stereotypes that will now
certainly apply, let me offer only the following: I once had the
privilege to know a boy named DeAndre McCullough, who at the age of
fifteen had led a life of considerable deprivation, but who nonetheless
was the fine and fascinating measure of a human soul. Everything after,
even the very book that we wrote about his world, today seems like
useless and unimportant commentary." - David Simon</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
My life is a little chaotic right now. A process that we can call "evolution", but most of the time just looks like a mess. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my program- to stay, to go. Get it done, don't compromise on the big goals but stay flexible enough on the smaller details. Regardless of what happens, the plan is to leave Utah next fall. That feels right. <br />
<br />
However, this obit, this remembrance, took me back to where I first began when I got into this affair with the education and the experience. I wanted to go into public health because I wanted to help. Not just to help, but to understand. I want to find ways to help with the dark places of human existence: poverty, drugs, violence, mental illness, sexual assault, cancer, homelessness, HIV. It's an impossible summit if I expect to fix any of it, but I don't. I've seen too much in the way of violence and despair throughout my own experiences to expect that. But I want to throw my lot in. In the words of The Wire, I want to be "counted." Getting my degree was supposed to give me new ideas, new resources, new understanding about this. In a way, the education has helped in the way it was intended, but in many ways, I wonder if it hasn't removed me from the things that matter to me, deep down. I wonder if I am tough enough to insist on those things taking priority. If I am honest, I also want to make a decent living and travel all over the world. So it's not all do-gooder mentality. <br />
<br />
I have to start fighting to find a dissertation topic. As in, I needed to have one yesterday. McCullough's obit reminded me that, this area- this need to put in some work toward alleviating human suffering where I can- this is what came first for me. This should be a priority. This is still worth aiming for. I'm not going to compromise this by working on some bullshit data whose outcomes won't mean anything to anyone- it has to translate. It has to help. It has to. I find it amazing that the ripple effect from individual lives can spread out like this- so that someone like me, who has never even <i>been</i> to West Baltimore sees this life, sees this tragedy, and is taken back, is refocused. <br />
<br />
back to work now. <br />
<br />
<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-23951822452111713062012-06-05T12:56:00.000-07:002012-06-05T12:56:20.111-07:00DisagreementIn the beginning god created the heavens and the earth...<br />
<br />
Fuck that, you said.<br />
In the beginning there was nothing<br />
and from nothing, an explosion and time.<br />
Green things, insects.<br />
<br />
Yes, two by two, right?<br />
<br />
Jesus fucking Christ no!<br />
All unique and amazing<br />
all a slow pattern of motion<br />
creeping forward, in hazy spirals.<br />
Here, give me that,<br />
you don't know what you're doing.<br />
<br />
And what about the end, I said.<br />
Reckoning? Resurrection?<br />
<br />
Global warming will cause oceans<br />
to rise.<br />
Catastrophic climate change.<br />
We will wipe ourselves out.<br />
The world will continue on<br />
until one day it will be sucked into the sun.<br />
<br />
But it ends?<br />
<br />
Not really, you said.<br />
<br />
Fuck. For a moment, I thought we were getting somewhere.<br />
<br />
We are, you said and wiped our eyes respectively. <br />
It's just not where we thought we'd be. <br />
<br />Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-54264559045206639932012-03-26T12:10:00.002-07:002012-03-26T12:16:38.258-07:00SpringNow begins the long, slow process<br />of pushing underground<br />that which had come up green and tender<br />calling it bust<br />a 'seasonal' surrender<br />as if those slim fluted tendrils were my imagination<br />the damp earth<br />your hand in the night<br />no.<br />I saw it green and go too soon<br />and will rememberRebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-63474215762151048952012-03-23T14:45:00.001-07:002012-03-23T14:45:25.778-07:00For today"To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.<br />What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places – and there are so many – where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.<br />And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory."<br />—Howard ZinnRebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-39947969695323367742012-03-21T21:54:00.002-07:002012-03-21T21:57:54.294-07:00Big Jet PlaneSometimes I wish all my feelings could be expressed by string instruments. Today, the strings in this song express it perfectly. <br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/yFTvbcNhEgc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Rebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2611857124395960294.post-15810870248181317182012-03-01T15:49:00.002-08:002012-03-01T15:54:42.617-08:00I liked this<iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/d9NF2edxy-M" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" width="560"></iframe><br /><br />Now and then I think of when we were together Like when you said you felt so happy you could die <br />I told myself that you were right for me <br />But felt so lonely in your company <br />But that was love and it's an ache I still remember<br />You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness <br />Like resignation to the end, always the end <br />So when we found that we could not make sense <br />Well you said that we would still be friends <br />But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over<br />But you didn't have to cut me off <br />Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing <br />I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger <br />And that feels so rough<br /><br />No, you didn't have to stoop so low <br />Have your friends collect your records <br />And then change your number <br />Guess that I don't need that though <br />Now you're just somebody that I used to know<br />Now you're just somebody that I used to know <br />Now you're just somebody that I used to know<br /><br />Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over <br />But had me believin it was always something that I'd done <br />But I don't wanna live that way <br />Reading into every word you say <br />You said that you could let it go <br />And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know<br />But you didn't have cut me off <br />Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing <br />I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough<br /><br />No, you didn't have to stoop so low <br />Have your friends collect you records <br />And then change your number <br />Guess that I don't need that though <br />Now you're just somebody that I used to know<br />Somebody that I used to know <br />Somebody (now you're just somebody that I used to know) <br />That I used to know Somebody that I used to know <br />Somebody<br />That I used to know<br />I used to know That I used to know I used to know SomebodyRebeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05299481860052762489noreply@blogger.com1